June 13th, 2017

 

It seems like everyone on this show has some sort of self-centered blog these days. Amanda has her “I’m a mom, feel sorry for me,” blog, Dawn has her “I’m not a mom and I’m not pre-diabetic,” blog, and Kristen has her “I’m about to be a new bride and I’m a homeowner but I’m cheap,” blog. Time for the men of the show to step up, so I present to you Rob’s Guide to Being a Fiancé blog.
 

I’m hopeful many of my suggestions will appeal to and/or help people of all genders and sexuality, but as a lifelong heterosexual male who has been married once before and is now engaged again, I can only speak through my own prism. I’m confident this blog can help men and women when it comes to understanding and navigating through this time which absolutely does NOT have to be stressful but should be exciting.
 

One thing I can’t help you with are the things you should have discussed before proposing. If you hadn’t previously discussed size of the wedding, whether or not you both want or don’t want children, finances, religion, and family dynamics, then not only can I not help you, you have no business being engaged.
 

With that said, we begin with my “DO’S,” and "DON’TS” list for engaged men:
 

DO immediately establish what your role and involvement in the planning process will be. If you’re a “tell me where and when to be there,” guy then say so, understanding that you are abdicating all of your rights to have any say in the wedding. If this is agreed to, remind her of the agreement when she asks what kind of flowers or cake you want and insists on your feedback and you couldn’t care less. Conversely, also remember that when she shows you the invitations and you hate them, you should have thought of that before the agreement. If you’re like me and you insist on having a 50% say in what is supposed to be one of the most important days of your life, make that clear and come to an agreement on how that will be handled and then make sure the agreement is carried out.
 

DON’T forget that you’re a team, not adversaries. When discussing the wedding, leave your ego aside and remember that the woman across the table from you is supposed to be your teammate for life. Fighting all night over the color of your cummerbund is hardly worth it.
 

DON’T, however, fall into the trap that this is “her,” day. No it isn’t. It’s the day the BOTH of you pledge yourselves to one another for hopefully eternity. It’s not her day, it’s the day for both of you.
 

DO agree upon finances and then insist on the parameters being stuck to.
 

DON’T think that if you allow other people to pay for the ceremony, rehearsal dinner, engagement party and such, that they aren’t going to think that they have a say in the proceedings. Anytime anyone has financial power or control over you, they will almost always exercise it.  That’s not to say it’s okay, but it is a reality of the world that anyone whom you are beholden to financially has control over you.
 

On that note, if possible, DON’T let anyone pay for anything for your wedding. Maintain control. If you can’t do that financially, maybe you aren’t ready to be married.
 

DO set boundaries immediately if you do accept financial help from anyone. If the parents of the bride want to pay for the wedding, don’t just say thank you, say “thank you so much, but before we can accept such a gracious and generous offer, we have to know that this is going to be OUR day. We’ll be deciding the flowers, the menu, the location and the guest list.” If they hesitate at all, elope. If they agree, hold them to it.
 

DO be prepared for the woman you love to be somewhere between goofy and insane, manic and unintelligible. This will prepare you for marriage as well.
 

DON’T be a dick to the woman you love. Period.
 

DO be a dick to anyone who makes the woman you love feel anything other than joy for whatever decisions she makes regarding your day.
 

DO have an idea of what you want and communicate it to her (you should have already discussed things like big versus small, local versus destination, etc)…but what about the actual ceremony? Band, DJ, nothing, toasts, formality, casual, fancy food, BBQ, etc. Don’t be wishy washy but don’t be demanding either.
 

DO communicate to her what you actually care about. If flowers and place settings don’t matter, turn that over to her and in return, ask that you get to oversee the things that are important to you, like perhaps the menu.
 

DON’T ever forget that the wedding has nothing to do with the marriage. Those of us who have been or are married almost never list our wedding day as one of the best, most important days of our relationship 5 or more years removed from the day. In the end, it’s just a party.
 

DON’T expect everything to go well when you get to wedding day. It won’t. Something will happen. Make sure you’re the couple that can handle it. Here’s a test…when a queef or fart happens during sex, do you guys laugh and keep going or does it ruin the mood? If it’s the latter, you’re doomed.
 

And for now, finally, DON’T let anyone other than the two of you tell you anything about your wedding. Ignore tradition, pomp, circumstance, social media, and the way things are “supposed to be,” to whatever extent you want to. There are no rules other than the ones the two of you, and no else, create. If you want to be together all day the day of your wedding, do so. If you want a non-religious based wedding, do it. If you want to fly to Bermuda to get married and that means Aunt Alice can’t come, then fuck Aunt Alice. Be a man and help guide your lady through these sometimes difficult moments where the two of you say to the world that “we are a team and we come first. ALL of the rest of you come second. If you want to join in our day, we’d love to have you. If not, we’ll see you when we see you.”